Our journey isn't perfect, but it's ours &I will stick with you 'til the end.

One year ago today exactly I was sitting on a porch, with a cigarette in my hand, almost half a bottle of Jameson in, shaking, staring at my phone. For months I had been thinking about making a phone call that I knew would change everything. I had so many questions that had gone unanswered, I had always wondered what if, I was so tired of wondering what if, and why did this happen? Through out my pregnancy, and single mamahood, I put on a brave face, I loved having Mikah all to myself...however it made me sad that I couldn't share all the milestones with him, he didn't know what an amazing little human we had created. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that somewhere out there was someone who helped make Mikah. He was out there, he knew that a piece of him, a tiny human we created was out in the world, yet he wasn't around. I never understood how you could just let her go.

I would sit up at night thinking about everything in life..and I do mean everything. Why all my relationships didn't work out? Why did I let my toxic relationship with an ex go on for years? Why was it only me he treated that way? Why I felt the need to constantly be looking for attention? Why did I jump from relationship to relationship? Why was I so damn depressed some times? So depressed where I couldn't move. Why did I feel like in a room full of people I was so alone? Why a job I wanted didn't happen? Why I always acted to cool to care about things, so I never showed emotion, and always acted like nothing ever bothered me. Why things all at once would just seem to come crashing down. There were so many nights I would sit up at night worried about life, worried about money, worried that I had disappointed my parents, worried that I wasn't going to be a good enough for Mikah, I would worry to the point where I would cry myself to sleep. There were times in my life where I felt like life would be better without me, there were days where I thought about just packing up and leaving. There were other nights where I just thought about leaving altogether. Some nights I would down a bottle of whatever I could get my hands on trying to make all the feeling go away. The last ten years have tested me in ways that I didn't understand. Going from teenager, to young adult, to mamahood, to adulthood, I didn't understand why all these changes were happening. Growing up I learned about God, I always learned he had a plan for everyone, that everything happened for a reason. It wasn't until this last year that I have truly understood what that meant. Between getting engaged, moving into our own place, turning twenty-five, becoming a mother of two, and rocking my bath bomb business, the last year has been the best year of my life. This last year has come with struggles, test and trials of its own, I would relive this year all over again if I could. After many years of praying and praying, I finally stopped to actually listen.

A year ago today, sitting on a porch, with a cigarette and bottle of Jameson in one hand, and my phone in the other I made the call. I was shaking uncontrollably, but after praying for years asking God whether or not to do this, I had my answer. My heart was pounding so hard I could hear it, I got that sick feeling you get on rides when you drop, I felt so nauseous I didn't know if it was the alcohol, my nerves, or both. He didn't answer it went to voicemail, I hung up. You can't really say "Hey, its your baby mama. Remember me? You're daughters doing great! Her names Mikah, she'll be two next week. So how ya been?" over a voicemail. Welp, I tried...And at that moment I got a text "Who is this?". My heart was racing so fast, without even thinking I replied with "Call me.". Again he texted "Who is this?" This time I replied with my name....I waited, for what seemed like forever, in actuality it was about two minutes. RING RING RING...His name popped up on my screen, this was real. WHAT DID I DO?..I took a drink, then a deep breath, and answered the phone. I could hear from his voice he had a smile on his face, and that he was also drinking, no surprise there. We talked, and we talked, and we talked. We got off the phone, we texted, and talked more, he called and we talked more. We talked that night for hours, I told him all about Mikah, and how I was going to visit California the following week for her birthday. I told him about how I was living in Florida working at a hair salon, and filled him in on the last two and a half years since we had seen each other. I sent him pictures of us, and we became friends on social media. It was as if nothing had ever happened, we instantly clicked again. Maybe it was easier because we didn't leave each other on bad terms, it was a mutual agreement. He wasn't ready to be a dad, and I didn't want someone who didn't want me or to come in and out of my daughters life. Besides we never were really together anyhow, but that is a story for another time.

I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined that a phone call would have lead me here to this. As I sit here on the couch tonight looking over at my beautiful newborn Saige, I can't help but smile, my life it may not be perfect but it is damn sure close. I have a loving soon to be husband, who has come so far, and continues to grow into the person we all need him to be. He continues to amaze me everyday, he has gone above and beyond to support my dreams. He is my number one fan, my cheerleader, my biggest supporter, every time I tell him "BABE! I MADE A SALE!" or "I got someone else to sign up!" or "I have $100 in commission for next week!" He always gets overly excited, tells me how amazing it is, then tells me how proud he is. He always tries to put my happiness above his, on days where he knows I am about to absolutely lose it, he will let me nap or take a bath or just let me relax. We've become a team, what I lack hes got, what he lacks I got, we learn from each other, we bounce ideas off of each other, we support each other in everything, we help each other grow and get out of our comfort zones. I can not even begin to describe how gorgeous and amazing our daughters are, even on days where I want to rip my hair out I still think they are little angels(I mean even Lucifer is a fallen angel corrects? Just kidding...) They truly are the best thing that ever happen to us, we sit up every night in awe talking about how perfect they are, and how we are so blessed to be their parents. We always say that Mikah made us mama and daddy, but Saige made us all a family. Not only do I have a wonderful family, I also have a thriving body and bath product business! In just six months I am a top affiliate at Elk River Soap Company, I have grown a team of almost 250 ladies(over 1500 in total), gotten to know the owners and work closely with them, and have a weekly payment of $150-$400. This company has been such a blessing for my family, I have never worked this hard for a company, I have never met such wonderful people, and made so many life long friends. I have grown so much as a person, I am so motivated, and work my ass off because I have so many people looking up to me for guidance, and I love having the financial freedom to stay at home with the girls, and be able to help with bills, or take us on vacations like Vegas this weekend! We have also been doing a lot of planning for the future, Ryden is starting to work on his jewelry business again, by next year we will both be working from home with our girls! We have many big plans for our future and we can not wait to reach them together.

We have had a crazy, amazing journey thus far, one that I can not wait to share with them, and everyone, our story is about love, hope, faith, trust, and patience. I've learned a lot this last year, like why everything didn't work out, why when I felt that God had put a road block in my path it was really just to get me to turn the other way to get me to take a different path. Everything that I had felt that I had missed, every heart break, every time something didn't work out or go my way, it was His doing, He was leading me here to this. This is exactly where I want to be.

#life #God #engaged #bossbathlady